I Am Gaara Sabaku
by sweet-and-simple
Summary: Maybe he went off the deep end. All the women and men he bedded, none of them came close to what he had had, and none of it was good enough. The pain had to end. The self-destruction had to stop. GaaLee AU character deaths


_Apology: I'm sorry this story got removed! Apparently, it is against regulations to curse in the title or summary of a story. I did not know that, but one of the administrators certainly did. This is one of four stories removed because of my potty mouth! That, and I was also punished with not being allowed to update for a few days… _

_I hope this isn't too much of an inconvenience to anyone!_

~::~

I am Gaara Sabaku, a student at the Chuunin High School of Konoha and Suna. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand. On both, I can count the number of people I haven't fucked.

I am a whore.

When I say I'm a whore, I'm saying that I have screwed just about everyone that I could seduce.

I am not a rapist.

It may seem as if I am over exaggerating. One teenage male, no matter how hormonal, can not screw that many girls.

I can, and I don't keep myself so close minded that I only do girls.

One must understand that I have only fucked those in my own grading level, which is pretty damn close to the whole school. It's a small school, and with just as few students. If so many richies didn't come here, myself among them, this school wouldn't exist, much less be funded.

I can remember the name of every person I have not screwed and the reason why.

Naruto…

He is my best friend, and I don't want the memory of sex hanging over our heads. I would screw Sasuke up the ass before I even kissed him. That would confuse him all to much if I were to show sexual intentions towards him. Beside that, I don't think he could be aroused by a male.

I have seen other men try, and it all ended in disaster. I never had to step in to help him kick their asses.

Hinata…

She is so in love with my best friend, Naruto, that it would be rape to have sex with her. She is so loyal to him, despite him not even knowing she exists half the time. She is so innocent, and shy, that anyone who touches that better plan to keep it forever, or she'd die.

So I keep my distance from her; her presence unnerves me in how she carries the air of something broken. Naruto will have to wise up soon, and realize that he likes the girl as much as she likes him.

Tenten…

She is dating my sister, and I can not see myself in her. Seducing her would be simple, I know this because of how easily she blushes or moves on. She had been dating the Hyuuga before my sister had taken her in. She was not a whore, but she just could not figure out where to look for love.

That makes two of us.

My brother and sister go without saying. I don't care how many fan girls I hear screaming about this thing called 'sandcest', but it's not happening. Temari, as I already said, is in another relationship, and Kankuro is… 'puppy-love sick'… If one were to believe that he has the hots for the dog boy, Kiba.

Kiba…

For two reasons that could rule out any reason one might find for me to screw him: He smells of wet dog, and my brother wants him. I'm not going to fuck some boy, then expect my own brother to ignore that fact as he dates the same person.

I steer clear of anyone it is potentially possible for either of them to date. I love them both, as I rarely care for anyone, to betray them like that.

No, I don't go for them, but there are those who could say, in explicit detail, exactly how large, long, and hard my dick is. But that's a small number.

I might be a whore, but I can name only one person who knows me that well. Sometimes, there is nobody else for me to go to, especially when I have certain needs. Everyone else…

I've fucked them once.

Sakura…

I wasn't even able to finish with her; it was the first time I had felt filthy because she had started crying out Sasuke's name. She hadn't even been a virgin, yet she had screamed the name of the man she had never had.

I could tell her right off the back that that guy was as uke as they got.

Yes, I have screwed Sasuke up the ass before, and it only happened once. He is so proud, it could only happen once, and never be mentioned again. That does not mean that I have kissed Naruto, it only means that I never plan to screw the Uchiha again.

The same goes for Neji. His pride takes so much space, I was surprised I could fit in his ass. It has definitely been tight enough to try and stop me. He was another one I couldn't finish in; because, the moment he was done, he stood up and left as if I had not been slamming into his ass.

He has issues, that little bitch.

Shikamaru and Chouji?

I had started to seduce Chouji at one point, to see if it was true that if a lover had more weight, it would bring more pleasure.

I was nearly hit by the Nara when I tried, and he suddenly realized his feelings for the overweight male.

I should become a matchmaker. I could very well much up these people by their sexual performances.

Ino…

Was the most unpleasant screw I had had since Sakura. In her search for thinness, she had become a skeleton underneath of all of those tight clothes that had showed off curves I learned she didn't have. She had been a screamer too, and not the pleasant kind. I liked knowing when I was giving someone so much pleasure, they couldn't contain it. Her screams were not nice, they were like I was fucking a banshee; and having her hold on to me, all sharp turns and digging bones…

It was unpleasant enough that that was a third that I did not finish in. She came with a scream damn well loud enough to make my ears bleed, and I walked out of the room unfulfilled and irritated.

Sai…

He's that one person I continue to come back to.

He knows why I keep coming back, and he knows it's not because of him. It's because of his eyes.

They're the same as my boyfriend.

No one understands how I could be in love with a boy, and screw so many people around them. They don't understand because they don't know.

My boyfriend died last year, and I didn't become a whore until last year.

Days after his death, I began the search for him. I knew, of course, that his body was dead, that I could never find him again, never hold him.

He was a nice screamer, ranging from cries of surprise to whispered screams of my name. He had gripped me so nicely, his obsidian eyes so beautiful as they had widened and tears would well up in them. He had no sharp turn on his body; it had all been muscle, scar, and warmth. It had always made me feel powerful to make love to him.

Yes, I made love to him; because I had no one else. I wanted for no one else because I had him. I was in love with him.

I still have the ring I had planned to propose to him with.

Except he died, the day I had everything set out, he died.

I had planned to have no sex, just to show how serious I was. I had a very high libido; every day of my life had to include sex ever since I had met him. I had begun cooking his favorite dish, curry, with skills I had been learning just for that moment. His favorite, forest-scented, candles had been set out and lit, and I had the country music on low.

He was a country mouse if I had ever seen one.

I had had his adopted father's blessing, and Naruto's approval. My siblings had been ecstatic for me, and I had not given a shit about what my father or any one else thought.

I should have cared for my father's thought, but I had refused to let him rule my life.

Now he's in on death row, and my boyfriend is a rotting corpse in a graveyard. That bastard deserves to die now instead of given the chance to get out. I'm there every time he tries to plead for a release, reminding the court how my boyfriend had been killed.

I should have checked my bedroom before I had begun preparing. I hadn't though, forcing myself to behave, and not wanting to distract myself with sight of the bed. That had been stupid of me, looking at anything, including the kitchen table, wooden counter, couch, chair, living room table, and just about any other surface had me gritting my teeth in an attempt to keep my mind on tract.

I had had control of myself, and everything was set. I had waited for Lee to come home where we lived in an apartment apart from my father alone.

It should have occurred to me that Lee is always home two hours after school is out, using the time to help the other teachers, do his sports, and finish his homework.

I hadn't came home until it was three hours after, and had not finished till 8 pm, five hours after school let out.

I could not have been blinded by excitement and nerves, I could have been clear minded to actually look up at the clock and realize that if Lee wasn't on time, he should have called by now.

That hadn't occurred to me till 10 pm. That was when I had gone into our bedroom, where our only main line phone is situated, my cell phone dead, and saw my lover.

Yes, I had been the suspect, but I had been ruled out, and my father found guilty instead. I told the court what I saw of my lover, and my father remains stuck on death row.

I remain alone. Aside from my fuck buddies.

I know Lee wouldn't be happy with what I'm doing; not because he would see it as cheating, him being dead and wanting me to move on, I'm sure, but because I don't care.

I can't remember the last time I put a condom on, and I don't sleep anymore. Before Lee, it was difficult, during his time, I had gotten at least five hours a night. The last time I ate… was yesterday at lunch when Naruto had nearly forced me to eat a bowl of ramen. It was weekend, so I wouldn't have to be forced into eating again till Monday.

Not that I'll be there.

So, I'm sitting here on my bed, knife at my side, and admitting to all of it.

I am a whore.

But there's only one person I've fucked more than once, and only a handful I haven't fucked at all.

I've never brought them home, that would be contaminating what I had had with Lee.

Why a knife? Because this is the same exact knife, that I was able to coerce and bribe the police officer who investigated my boyfriend's murder, that repeatedly stabbed my lover in the stomach, chest, arms, and legs to bring about his death.

I won't be able to die the same way, since I'm doing this on my own, but I can bring about the same amount of pain my lover experienced.

It's possible Gai will find this first; he checks up on me every now and then to make sure that I haven't fully self-destructed yet. He's not accepting of my ways, but he thinks he know why I'm this way.

If not him, it will be Temari or Kankuro. They're pissed with me, but they still care. I don't know how they'll react, though.

Whoever finds this letter…

It was my fault.

Had I shown up home with Lee like I usually do, instead of doing my errands then after telling Lee to leave the house before 8, he would still be alive. I know I couldn't have saved him had I looked into the bedroom first, but I could have saved that much time, maybe something could have been done, something more.

The knife…

It hurts a lot, but that's the point.

I guess, with suicide notes, the point is to tell the reader what I'm sorry for…

I'm only sorry I wasn't there for Lee sooner…

And I'm sorry I didn't find my father before the cops did.

I hope Lee's waiting for me like he promised he would be a long time ago. Otherwise, this is a waste of time.


End file.
